Vanessa Zannella is a resident physician in Internal Medicine at the University of Toronto and a Systems Leadership and Innovation student at the Institute of Health Policy, Management and Evaluation
I am scared. Every day, I arrive at the hospital to look after patients who could have COVID-19. I pretend to cover this fear with a protective mask. It allows me to hide my emotions as I carry on with my clinical duties.
I am being asked to work in hospitals that I have never worked in before. I get swabbed for COVID-19 every time I have the slightest suggestive symptom. When I am busy at work, I feel guilty for not connecting virtually with my family. When I am home, I feel guilty for the colleagues I leave behind at work. Throughout the pandemic, I have felt embarrassed to reflect on the emotional exhaustion of caring for patients. But one morning after a 26 hour shift, as I removed my mask and stepped outside the hospital, I let my role as a physician go, and cried my way home.
In time, I learned that I was not the only one shedding tears. Slowly, my senior mentors and educators shared their fears (and tears) with me too. Through their collective stories, I felt a sense of community. It became clear that most physicians, regardless of their stage of training, fear that they may be facing a career-defining moment in the care of patients with COVID-19, or even possibly, a life or death-defining moment.
One of the added stresses of this pandemic is that I am still being evaluated by my residency program on the competencies required of our profession. I and others worry that those who share their vulnerabilities, emotions and fears might be perceived as weak or burned out. But we are neither.
The simple act of wearing a mask helps me conceal the emotions worn on my face, but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I’ve slowly learned that our masks make us physicians, but our emotions make us people. And throughout a pandemic, it’s okay to be a ‘person’ too.
By being honest and sharing my emotions of COVID-19 with senior mentors and educators, I’ve become a more relatable person. I believe this is the first step towards building stronger physician relationships and an even stronger profession.
As a resident physician, I am motivated to work amidst the pandemic because I am proud to be able to support our patients, our educators and our country in its most vulnerable time. My feelings and fears are real, but they are not alone; my mentors and educators will continue to share their powerful stories with me. Together, we can overcome the fear of COVID-19 and by revealing ourselves as a better ‘person’, come out of this as even better physicians.
Thank you to Dr. Kieran Quinn for his wisdom, creativity and mentorship in supporting my piece.
Dr.S.Sangaralingham.,retired
Mask and the wearer. Many has faith in wearing a mask. Tight fitting mask has some discomfort with facial marking,N95 does this but the rest of the mask cloth mask surgical mak home made masks factory made masks commercial masks it’s benefit with vital infections not sufficent but reassuring to the wearer and observer.the role played in hospital with various comments made towards the wearer at different times but many others passing by is intresting sarcastic critical often funny y experience during SARS brought all these comments. Now we are told wear it if safe distance is difficult to do
Dr Tarek Abdelhalim
I recently watched a documentary on Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong as he landed the Lunar lander on the moon in July of 1969. One would think that a naval aviator, test pilot, and astronaut with decades of training would have been completely calm, cool, and collected as he approached the lunar surface. We are lucky that the astronauts were monitored with heart rate monitors during the descent, and I believe Neil Armstrong’s heart rate approached 150 beats per minute as he touched down on the moon.
I have felt the same exact fear, as you have Dr. Zannella, for various reasons throughout this COVID-19 pandemic. That is a completely normal and appropriate response. What is abundantly clear from reading your piece, and having had the privilege of working with you, is that you are able to overcome that fear, and function at an incredibly high level. Being able to overcome these fears, and still perform complex tasks is a mark of a competent, well trained professional. Really outstanding writing! It is a privilege to work alongside you!